{Yoga} The Undercurrent
Over the course of the past 20-something years, it's been my yoga practice (or non-practice) -- one that comes and goes -- that ironically has kept me in a steady-state of being. There have been as many years as there have been reasons why I have sought out time on my mat. I've moved around quite a bit, and these moves were not just within the same town or county, but from one state to another. 4 states to be exact, in the past 4 years. People close to me have called me "restless" and "anxious". I guess this kind of moving around isn't considered normal, or even healthy, but for me, it's another blank slate, it's exciting. The desires of how I want to live life continually evolve and shift and my (our) physical surroundings play a huge role in this. Restlessness is the pre-cursor to my Stillness.
Even amongst the chaos of moving boxes, finding new dentists and friends, yoga has offered me the continuum, the undercurrent, the steadiness of feeling 'home'. Yoga in the form of deep breaths when a move took me away from my partner. Yoga in the form of meditative walks when I was lonely in a new city. Yoga in the sense of listening to an inspiring podcast when I felt I needed to re-invent myself. Do I still do challenging hand balances and binds in my practice? Not so much. My practice, like my life, has evolved -- or moved in other directions. I've gone a full year at a time without popping into a public yoga class, and without any desire to teach one. Admittedly, I've been quietly critical of overly-egoic teachers who pontificate on themselves -- or, teachers who may have "passed" their 200 RYT exam, but don't have any working knowledge of anatomy or Sanskrit, and don't know to how to safely give a hands-on correction. Then there are those Vinyasa classes led at at nothing less than a drill sergeant's pace. "One breath per movement"... really? What IS the real goal here anyway?
A few years ago and another short-term move later, I had the pleasure of regularly practicing at a favorite and very special studio where I had spent a lot of time fine-tuning my own teaching voice and skills. It was a space that allowed me to evaluate for myself what worked and what didn't for me, as a teacher -- in addition to giving me the space I craved to get a grip on my roller coaster emotional life. A short six months back into my re-established yoga class routine I pulled my back out so badly that yoga, in the physical sense anyway, again came to a screeching halt, and this time for the better part of a year. Forward bends became impossible and forward bends with any twisting completely contraindicated. Again, so much needed to be re-evaluated. I was angry with myself for not knowing better. As a life-long fitness professional and Pilates instructor, I do have a solid understanding of safe movement mechanics, kinesiology and proper body alignment. The root of my injury was one of overuse. Just like anything else, too much of a good thing can end badly. This was my wake-up call.
A year and a cross country move later I am back on my mat. I've worked hard to strengthen the areas in my body that were underdeveloped and to mobilize and release those parts that I over-relied on for strength. My nature to move and to push myself has been replaced by deep holds, breath and a meditative focus on calming my (easily over-stimulated) nervous system. I still go to the gym, I still love barre classes and Pilates. My yoga, however, continues to evolve and as is said, meets me exactly where I'm at.
